6.20.2010

I hate people who gives you attitude when there is no reason at all. I dislike them for when they give you the cold shoulder, it dampens your mood immediately. Now I will start to question myself as to what have I done wrong. Was it my fault which lead you to treat me like that? Do I deserve what just happened? Great. I hate this kind of feeling. It is quite common to feel like this. I will not deny that I do give such cold shoulder to people around. But seldom. Sigh. It feels like that person is having a mood swing without warning like an active volcano which erupts. It is so sudden that the victim does not even know what just occurred. I am feeling this way right now. The victim of this avalanche of magma. Many times I just wished to ask 'why'. Why the attitude? Why the sulky face and the awkward silence? Did anyone tell you that awkward silences are deafening? I hate this. I have been covering up quite nicely for the past year or so. And I am here to vent it all out. The faking ignorance and treating it as nothing has ever happened. Hell no. I just wish that I can put it all out and say that "I know you're giving an attitude. So what's the problem now?" But no. Seriously, I do not think that I will ever do that.

I feel really emotional right now. Negativity that has been collecting within me. Do you ever have friends who will laugh at you and question almost everything you say or do. Or even think that you are an ignorant person who has the least knowledge of all? Yes I do. Oh well, they do it in a joking manner but deep down I doubt so. Sometimes they'll ask if I know what this or that means and start mocking if I don't. Maybe 'mocking' is too strong a word. Then again, all this comments will make you feel so useless and stupid. You know the tone of voice that is so demeaning? I absolutely know that. I can't go any further right now. I have always know this feeling exists but the thought of putting them down into words are just so scary.

I have been watching Dexter and that really intrigues me. How many people out there are living with a facade and have their inner self covered up? Dexter does and I think I do. Who really knows me cos I don't even know myself. Which part of you is hidden under cover? And which part of you is revealed to the public?

I guess many of you have not seen this side of me before. Vulnerable and pathetic.